In moments of being triggered by … I feel helpless. Anxiety kicks in and I don’t think straight. My emotions are everywhere. It is like a switch has been flipped. I go from happy and easily going to tense, snippy with my words, my tone of voice changes, I scare my husband. He gets all worried and struggles to know how to help.
With the passing of Grandpa and our little ones I found myself more and more triggered and anxious. I let little things get to me that hasn’t affected me before. I feel lost and stuck. I am grateful that I have a safe harbor with Christ and my husband, that is making this easier to endure.
Some of my triggers come from the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up and others come from learned behaviors from my family. I am not sure how to overcome them and be made whole. These triggers and outbursts on my end have resulted in many learning opportunities for my husband and I. A lot of long conversations and a lot of tears. These past few months have been hard since we lost our first official pregnancy in January, then our next one in June, then grandpa passing… and then dealing with other things as they came up for my husband and I. It has been so hard. Then not being able to find the words to express what’s going on so that I can be open and honest with my husband has been truly rough on me, to keep it all inside and have to process it on my own.
My passion, ability to dream and create, and desires to do… are flickering like a fire about to go out. I am so unsure of what I want to do with my life. For most of my life I have wanted to be a wife and mom and use my gifts and talents to help others. But how do I do this? Feeling so lost. I am a wife now, and a mom to those who have passed to the veil, but I’m not able to be a mom on the side of the veil or am able to use the gifts and talents God has given me in a way that I want or that would honor Him, so I’m not sure what to do next.
Had so many dreams up until about 2015/16 and then felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I know God has a plan for me. It is not turning out to be as I understood. I am not teaching. I am not using my gifts and talents outside of church and our podcast. This is not the place I want to be. So how do I get to where God needs me to be? How do I become who he created me to be? How do I claim blessings promised, but not yet received?
Time for soul searching with God and a lot of prayers. What is God’s will, how do follow it, and what path do I take next?
The past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster. First Paul and I lost our little one with a miscarriage and the sorrow and grief that goes with that. Then on Father’s Day my dear sweet Grandfather walked through the veil to eternity to meet his sweetheart. I am sure they had a sweet reunion and then were off to do the will of the Father.
His loss on the side of the veil is great. He has left a legacy of Christlike service and discipleship. He was very much, like grandma my friend and confident in this life. He and grandma are the ones that taught me the gospel, who showed me kindness and love unwavering, and made sure I had a safe place to go when the storms of life got too hard.
When I met my grandpa back in ‘91 for what felt like the first time as we rolled in from our trip from Wisconsin I knew that we were going to be fast friends. I looked up to him in so many ways. I was five going on six and he was a giant among men, at least in my eyes. I think he was just finishing up with the tractor at the time it would’ve been June so he would’ve been getting ready the fields and garden. He had recently retired from teaching music and was enjoying retirement with grandma.
They were also taking care of Granny Hamblin who was almost 89. She loved to give me kisses and hugs as I recall. Within the year of us moving to Idaho, she passed away. Her funeral was the first one I had been to. I remember what I thought was a green dress on, but come to find out it was temple clothes. As a six year old girl I was dead set on helping carry the casket all the way to the cemetery, but they took me up to the nursery and by the time I came down she was gone and it was time to go. I was so mad they didn’t let me help.
Grandpa Marcum was quick to show me around and teach me all he could. I noticed there was a drastic difference between sets of grandparents in how they showed love and spoke to me. The spirit of Christ was one major difference. My dad’s parents are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my mom’s parents and stepdad are not. All five of my grandparents were good people, but this light that was in my dad’s parents’ eyes was missing from my mom’s parents’ eyes.
My dad’s parents are much of the reason I am the way I am today. They took the time to teach and show me how to follow Christ even if they didn’t realize they were through their quiet examples of service, scripture study, prayer, and following Christ. They were not boastful, rather they disliked any attention and recognition. They would rather just do good continually without the praise of man, but do it all for the Lord. They had an eternal perspective and goal in mind.
Grandpa Marcum was and is a valiant man who serves the Lord continually, always seeking to do a good turn. His motto has always been “because I have been given much, have I done any good, I too must give…” He is always seeking and willing to do whatever the Lord would have him do. He has sought the Lord daily and to share the good news of the gospel with all that would listen. He showed me how to do this same.
They showed me how to live after the manner of happiness and follow Jesus. I am grateful for their testimony and examples of great faith. To go and do a good turn daily. To serve and love so freely without question. So have we done any good in the world today, have we helped those in need, be grateful for what we have, and help others along our way when we can. I hope to live up to this and be a valiant daughter, disciple, friend, wife, and mother…
Grandpa struggled to ask for help, he always tried to do it all on his own. My dad is much the same way. So grateful for those who have stepped and helped them when they needed them the most. Grateful for the people who they have touched and then have touched my life.
Grandpa’s influence has been felt by so many in the Boy Scouts and throughout Teton Valley in various capacities. It was amazing too see the lives he had touched as scouts, music students, men, women, and children come through the line during the viewing and tell of the great impact Grandpa had had on their lives over the years. He is a good honorable man. He loved freely and served willingly. He taught in a way that impacted so many. I miss him so much.
I will miss having a safe haven at Grandpa’s house. I will miss having him to talk to. I will miss his booming laugh. I will miss his bear hugs. I will miss his Dutchoven Potatoes. I will miss his singing. I will miss his trumpet playing. I will miss him sharing his testimony and stories. I will miss his unconditional love. I will miss reading scriptures with him. The list goes on…
I am grateful for the plan of happiness that God has given us. I am grateful for the sealing power that has been restored so that I can be sealed to my family. If I live according to God’s will I will see my grandparents again and my children who I am hoping were just too pure to stay any longer than they needed. I will raise them in the next life. The promises of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are so great, I am feeling so blessed. Despite the sadness I know in who I can trust, Jesus Christ is mindful of me. I am not alone. Having an eternal perspective helps in the healing process.
I will try to continue to live after the manner of happiness in the Lord and do good where I can as I share my gifts and talents, love and serve, and follow the Lord.
In my patriarchal blessing I am promised to be a mother in Zion. I was married a little over a year ago. I thought for sure God would bless us with children quickly. Instead He has blessed us with learning opportunities and growing pains as we have yet to have a pregnancy make it past 8 weeks. My mom teased me growing up I would be a fertile Mertal, but I am not so far.
In the beginning the doctors blamed it on us getting use to each other and the hormones. Then my cycles were out of wack. The doctors attempted to reset my cycles by forcing one with progesterone for 10 days. Seemed to help a bit finally as I finally showed positive on pregnancy tests by the week of Christmas 2020, which then passed the following week; our first official miscarriage. (I thought we miscarried in June/July/August as well, but never had a positive pregnancy test to show that I was actually miscarrying rather than having a messed up cycle.) Our little one(s) passed through like a large clump of Jello on January 2, 2021.
Baby Pulsipher January 2, 2021 😭 (remnants of, as far as we could tell)
Then it was 6 weeks of recovery and limited protected intercourse. Then a cycle that was long, painful, and confusing occurred in February as I had 2 mornings the week before where I had some flow and remnants come out, then nothing by each afternoon. Then by the 9th of February my actual cycle started and lasted for about 6 days. Then a normal cycle in March, an odd spotting cycle with some light flow occured in April, then nothing in May.
May 25, 2021
By May 14, 16, and 18, I was showing positive to being pregnant. The clear blue test on the 25 was instantaneously positive. We were so excited. We were going to be parents. Praying this one stayed. We told some people and bought some things to be ready. But I bled some on the 27th of May, had tests, the Rhogam shot, more tests, as well as an ultrasound in the days that followed. However by June 9th it was over and a 2nd miscarriage ensued. Bleeding came to an end eventually, but I spotted a bit for a few days that followed off and on.
Baby Pulsipher June 9, 2021Paul burying our little one, just before He dedicated the grave. Until we meet again😭
Another round of 6 weeks to recover begins and a season of cycles and a waiting period till we will see a positive pregnancy test again. Not sure what God has in store for Paul and I. It is a lot to process and heal from. My heart is hurting and the sadness seems like waves that are too much to bare. I am grateful for Heavens help. This second miscarriage has been harder. We made it longer this time. There was more pain and cramping this time. Paul was so uneasy as he had no idea how to help me. My tampon managed to catch a fetus and we were able to bury it and have some closure. Not sure if there was more than one as the doctor instructed me to stop using tampons so I didn’t get an infection. So much debris came out it was hard to tell what was what. I guess we will have to wait till the millennium to see how many children are waiting for us. Paul and I both took this one harder than the last as things were more real this time and seeing the fetus just lying there, was so hard to see. Paul and I got to cry it out together this time.
With the first one it was different for him. It took a bit for him to register that we just lost our little one(s) and so he was not as emotionally there for me. It felt like I was grieving alone. This time I have had moments that I have felt alone in my grief. But overall Paul has grieved with me. Sometimes the pain and sorrow is too much to handle on my own. In times like this I wish I had healthy parents (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Both times I got one line responses and not much comfort. With his parents I get doctor advise and “we are sorry…” I wish I had more support and felt loved, seen, heard, valued, comforted…
With each time I have had a miscarriage or something where I needed a mom, I have not gotten the love from my mom I needed. Not sure why I expected anything from her. She is so closed off and doesn’t express any emotions except anger, bitterness, selfishness … it’s hard to know what she is feeling. She is sarcastic and rude. I understand she is hurt, lost, has mental/emotional issues, PTSD, trust issues… so to except anything from her is sometimes asking too much. I look forward to the day she allows the atonement of Jesus Christ to help she heal and become whole. In times like this I really could use a mom.
With each Miscarriage I have spent several days crying and feeling numb. Feeling lost and so many questions running through my head. Many not happy questions.
What did We do wrong, what could we have done differently, was it my fault, was it Paul’s, do I need a different job, does he, is there something wrong with us …
Am I toxic inside like my mom and her side of the family who didn’t want to be moms but did so cause that’s what u do a wife…
Why does Heavenly Father keep blessing us only to take the child(ren) back to live with Him so soon, did we do something wrong, sin in some way, not worthy, does He trust us too much, …
Are we ever going to see them again? – there is no church doctrine on miscarriages and what happens to them or how far along I have to be to raise them in the next life-
And the list goes on… down the spiral staircase to utter darkness and feelings of being alone and forgotten by the Lord. Wondering when the pain and trial will end? Will it end? Where is the lesson to learn, what am I missing, where is the hope and joy… what’s next? What is God’s plan? Help me understand! How do I get out of this dark abis? Feels impossible to break free. Is it worth trying for our rainbow miracle babies? Or is God going to take them all back before I can hold them and raise them up unto the Lord.
The God I believe is our Heavenly Father is full of grace, love, mercy, and an eternal plan that I don’t quite understand. I have the cliff notes version from the scriptures. I don’t believe that He would dangle a child in front of a couple who have made covenants with Him without providing an eternal plan to be with them again after a miscarriage. What that plan looks like, I have no idea. Whether I will finish the pregnancy another time or if they will have bodies when I see them on the other side, or what… God’s ways are higher than mine and every loss will be made up if I remain true and faithful to my covenants and stay close to Christ.
So now I am in the process of healing.
Now to get healthy and strong so perhaps the next pregnancy will stay and we will have little one(s) to love and cherish, bringing them up in the way the Lord has set. Not sure what my next steps are. Hope to get there some day. I know I need to lose at least 40 plus pounds. Some women have advised the Keto diet except it messes up your liver. I like my liver, so that’s a no go. Whole Foods is probably the way I should go. Now to have the energy and desire to create meals and not rely on fast food or ready made meals. I know I can cook better than those meals provide, but my gumption to do anything is dwindling at this point and time.
I am praying and researching church doctrine and other books about miscarriage and how to become a mom in Zion with or without children on this side of the veil. I’ll post as I learn. Lots of love and best wishes to you all.
May the Lord bless you this day and always as you walk in His ways.
Heritage in Zion 