Learning from Our Miscarriages

Caution there are pretty graphic photos

In my patriarchal blessing I am promised to be a mother in Zion. I was married a little over a year ago. I thought for sure God would bless us with children quickly. Instead He has blessed us with learning opportunities and growing pains as we have yet to have a pregnancy make it past 8 weeks. My mom teased me growing up I would be a fertile Mertal, but I am not so far.

In the beginning the doctors blamed it on us getting use to each other and the hormones. Then my cycles were out of wack. The doctors attempted to reset my cycles by forcing one with progesterone for 10 days. Seemed to help a bit finally as I finally showed positive on pregnancy tests by the week of Christmas 2020, which then passed the following week; our first official miscarriage. (I thought we miscarried in June/July/August as well, but never had a positive pregnancy test to show that I was actually miscarrying rather than having a messed up cycle.) Our little one(s) passed through like a large clump of Jello on January 2, 2021.

Baby Pulsipher January 2, 2021 😭 (remnants of, as far as we could tell)

Then it was 6 weeks of recovery and limited protected intercourse. Then a cycle that was long, painful, and confusing occurred in February as I had 2 mornings the week before where I had some flow and remnants come out, then nothing by each afternoon. Then by the 9th of February my actual cycle started and lasted for about 6 days. Then a normal cycle in March, an odd spotting cycle with some light flow occured in April, then nothing in May.

By May 14, 16, and 18, I was showing positive to being pregnant. The clear blue test on the 25 was instantaneously positive. We were so excited. We were going to be parents. Praying this one stayed. We told some people and bought some things to be ready. But I bled some on the 27th of May, had tests, the Rhogam shot, more tests, as well as an ultrasound in the days that followed. However by June 9th it was over and a 2nd miscarriage ensued. Bleeding came to an end eventually, but I spotted a bit for a few days that followed off and on.

Paul burying our little one, just before He dedicated the grave. Until we meet again😭

Another round of 6 weeks to recover begins and a season of cycles and a waiting period till we will see a positive pregnancy test again. Not sure what God has in store for Paul and I. It is a lot to process and heal from. My heart is hurting and the sadness seems like waves that are too much to bare. I am grateful for Heavens help. This second miscarriage has been harder. We made it longer this time. There was more pain and cramping this time. Paul was so uneasy as he had no idea how to help me. My tampon managed to catch a fetus and we were able to bury it and have some closure. Not sure if there was more than one as the doctor instructed me to stop using tampons so I didn’t get an infection. So much debris came out it was hard to tell what was what. I guess we will have to wait till the millennium to see how many children are waiting for us. Paul and I both took this one harder than the last as things were more real this time and seeing the fetus just lying there, was so hard to see. Paul and I got to cry it out together this time.

With the first one it was different for him. It took a bit for him to register that we just lost our little one(s) and so he was not as emotionally there for me. It felt like I was grieving alone. This time I have had moments that I have felt alone in my grief. But overall Paul has grieved with me. Sometimes the pain and sorrow is too much to handle on my own. In times like this I wish I had healthy parents (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Both times I got one line responses and not much comfort. With his parents I get doctor advise and “we are sorry…” I wish I had more support and felt loved, seen, heard, valued, comforted…

With each time I have had a miscarriage or something where I needed a mom, I have not gotten the love from my mom I needed. Not sure why I expected anything from her. She is so closed off and doesn’t express any emotions except anger, bitterness, selfishness … it’s hard to know what she is feeling. She is sarcastic and rude. I understand she is hurt, lost, has mental/emotional issues, PTSD, trust issues… so to except anything from her is sometimes asking too much. I look forward to the day she allows the atonement of Jesus Christ to help she heal and become whole. In times like this I really could use a mom.

With each Miscarriage I have spent several days crying and feeling numb. Feeling lost and so many questions running through my head. Many not happy questions.

What did We do wrong, what could we have done differently, was it my fault, was it Paul’s, do I need a different job, does he, is there something wrong with us …

Am I toxic inside like my mom and her side of the family who didn’t want to be moms but did so cause that’s what u do a wife…

Why does Heavenly Father keep blessing us only to take the child(ren) back to live with Him so soon, did we do something wrong, sin in some way, not worthy, does He trust us too much, …

Are we ever going to see them again? – there is no church doctrine on miscarriages and what happens to them or how far along I have to be to raise them in the next life-

And the list goes on… down the spiral staircase to utter darkness and feelings of being alone and forgotten by the Lord. Wondering when the pain and trial will end? Will it end? Where is the lesson to learn, what am I missing, where is the hope and joy… what’s next? What is God’s plan? Help me understand! How do I get out of this dark abis? Feels impossible to break free. Is it worth trying for our rainbow miracle babies? Or is God going to take them all back before I can hold them and raise them up unto the Lord.

The God I believe is our Heavenly Father is full of grace, love, mercy, and an eternal plan that I don’t quite understand. I have the cliff notes version from the scriptures. I don’t believe that He would dangle a child in front of a couple who have made covenants with Him without providing an eternal plan to be with them again after a miscarriage. What that plan looks like, I have no idea. Whether I will finish the pregnancy another time or if they will have bodies when I see them on the other side, or what… God’s ways are higher than mine and every loss will be made up if I remain true and faithful to my covenants and stay close to Christ.

So now I am in the process of healing.

Now to get healthy and strong so perhaps the next pregnancy will stay and we will have little one(s) to love and cherish, bringing them up in the way the Lord has set. Not sure what my next steps are. Hope to get there some day. I know I need to lose at least 40 plus pounds. Some women have advised the Keto diet except it messes up your liver. I like my liver, so that’s a no go. Whole Foods is probably the way I should go. Now to have the energy and desire to create meals and not rely on fast food or ready made meals. I know I can cook better than those meals provide, but my gumption to do anything is dwindling at this point and time.

I am praying and researching church doctrine and other books about miscarriage and how to become a mom in Zion with or without children on this side of the veil. I’ll post as I learn. Lots of love and best wishes to you all.

May the Lord bless you this day and always as you walk in His ways.