In moments of being triggered by … I feel helpless. Anxiety kicks in and I don’t think straight. My emotions are everywhere. It is like a switch has been flipped. I go from happy and easily going to tense, snippy with my words, my tone of voice changes, I scare my husband. He gets all worried and struggles to know how to help.

With the passing of Grandpa and our little ones I found myself more and more triggered and anxious. I let little things get to me that hasn’t affected me before. I feel lost and stuck. I am grateful that I have a safe harbor with Christ and my husband, that is making this easier to endure.

Some of my triggers come from the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up and others come from learned behaviors from my family. I am not sure how to overcome them and be made whole. These triggers and outbursts on my end have resulted in many learning opportunities for my husband and I. A lot of long conversations and a lot of tears. These past few months have been hard since we lost our first official pregnancy in January, then our next one in June, then grandpa passing… and then dealing with other things as they came up for my husband and I. It has been so hard. Then not being able to find the words to express what’s going on so that I can be open and honest with my husband has been truly rough on me, to keep it all inside and have to process it on my own.

My passion, ability to dream and create, and desires to do… are flickering like a fire about to go out. I am so unsure of what I want to do with my life. For most of my life I have wanted to be a wife and mom and use my gifts and talents to help others. But how do I do this? Feeling so lost. I am a wife now, and a mom to those who have passed to the veil, but I’m not able to be a mom on the side of the veil or am able to use the gifts and talents God has given me in a way that I want or that would honor Him, so I’m not sure what to do next.

Had so many dreams up until about 2015/16 and then felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I know God has a plan for me. It is not turning out to be as I understood. I am not teaching. I am not using my gifts and talents outside of church and our podcast. This is not the place I want to be. So how do I get to where God needs me to be? How do I become who he created me to be? How do I claim blessings promised, but not yet received?

Time for soul searching with God and a lot of prayers. What is God’s will, how do follow it, and what path do I take next?

Best wishes to you all and lots of love.